A journey of Love, Fear and Joy. Becoming a Mom at 19 To a blended family with a new born.
shared by guest author Cassidy Clifford Casscrow
I remember the feeling like yesterday.
My nineteen year old self was peeing on a stick in a Tim Horton’s bathroom on a work break because, “there was no way it could be positive” and “I just need to know for peace of mind”.
Ever been there before? If not, let me paint the picture for you.
It was like a scene out of a movie. I looked down at the *very clear* two lines, and when I looked up in the mirror at myself, I was seeing double—no, triple. I couldn’t breathe. The smell of the restroom became overwhelming.
We had only been together a few months… how was this happening?! I started sweating and crying. Like, the kind of crying that makes you hyperventilate and makes your stomach feel like it’s going to fall out of your body. I feel like we have all cried like that once before in our lives.
I can still feel it if I close my eyes.
Gosh, if I only knew then what the next six years of my life would look like, maybe I wouldn’t have felt the immense fear that I did in that moment. I want to go to that nineteen year old girl, shake her and tell her, “it will be hard. SO hard. But man will it be beautiful”.
The pregnancy flew by and before I knew it— whether I was ready or not—Hudson was in my arms. My god what a beautiful little thing he was.
The moment he hit my chest, I knew what to do. I knew that no matter what I did or how I did it, my world would always revolve around him.
I went from a young university student and varsity athlete to “Hudson’s Mom”, and to be honest, I wore (and still wear) that title with more pride than I knew was possible.
In a way, I birthed two people that day…my sweet baby boy and the best version of me that I had never met before. I just had no clue that I would be growing to know both of them at the same pace.
Hudson’s dad and I separated a few months short of Hudson’s first birthday and I had no idea what I was stepping into as a single parent. Co-parenting is HARD, period.
What I did know, though, was that I had an incredible family and a group of strong-ass women to look up to and reach out to for guidance in this new phase of our life. I learned a lot about myself in that year of being on my own.
I learned some things that I didn’t like (yikes, thank god for therapy), but a lot more things that I was able to find peace with. Things about myself that I wanted to grow and strengthen. Not just for myself but to be a better mum, too. I am so grateful for that part of my journey.
Some of those quiet nights on my own after Hudson would go down were the nights that taught me that I was okay on my own (also that red wine is sometimes best enjoyed quietly on your own hehe). An irreplaceable lesson for me. Would I like brave the oceans of single parenthood again? Of course not. Would I do it differently to avoid those hard parts? Not a chance!
Then, along came our Cliffy (imagine the sounds of little Hudson’s voice doing his best to pronounce L’s that come out as W’s for full effect ha-ha).
I met Matt Clifford through mutual friends and to be transparent, dating as a single 21 year old parent was absolutely terrifying.
His resume was pretty impressive, too: a 34 year old, handsome, single doctor who was known for his kind heart and adventurous personality. Pfft. Cue: imposter syndrome.
In the mental battle between said imposter syndrome and my natural confidence, I kept reminding myself that I knew I was a catch.
Not because of looks or skills or my personality or other material things… but because I knew I was a great mom. And if he saw that side of me, either he would love me for it or pass.
I remember someone once saying, “it will be hard to find someone who wants to raise another man’s child”, and it burned such a nasty mark in my ears that I started to believe that it could be true.
Although Hudson’s father was still in the picture and loved him dearly, I knew that whoever I would be with would inevitably have a huge impact on my son’s life and I have to make sure I chose someone wisely.
What I didn’t know in that moment is that he wasn’t just “someone”, and that I would spend the next four years of my life watching this man—who was once a stranger—love and treat my child in the most incredible ways.
Every fear that I had as a single mom about finding love again, not just for myself but for my son, literally disappeared.
Time went by as our new blended family grew to love each other. Hudson and I moved in with Cliff, and before we knew it, 2 years had gone by. We got married and bought our dream home.
The loving urge to expand our family grew and we began to try for a second little love.
My young fertile self imagined the pregnancy happening in a blink just like Hudson’s did, but it took us almost a year to conceive baby number two. In hindsight (as always), the timing worked out for the best as we had ALSO just begun massive renovations on our home.
My expectations for the second time around were pretty high. It was my second go at this whole growing a human thing, and this time I was older with a bit more knowledge and experience and a super supportive partner…I have this in the bag, right? Wrong.
This pregnancy was SO much more difficult than my first. I went into this round of human growing wayyyyy too cocky. I was met with immense nausea and exhaustion that lasted the majority of the first two trimesters.
I was overcome with stress and worry about how this would affect Hudson, what our blended family would look like and if I had it in me to be a good parent to two kids. The self-doubt was incredibly real.
Lo and behold, the moment sweet Frank arrived most of those stresses disappeared. Seeing Hudson as a big brother was one of the biggest joys of my life.
What I’ve realized in the past six months is that there is no “right” way or rule book for this whole parenting or blended family thing.
It doesn’t matter what your age is, what you do for a living or how many books you read. Babies don’t know or care about any of that, and we just all do our best.
I think that was the most beautiful thing about this journey for me. Something that started off as such a soul jolting surprise turned into the absolute best part of my life. The hardest, most sleep-deprived, tear-filled and anxiety-ridden parts… but also the most incredibly beautiful.
shared by guest author Cassidy Clifford Casscrow
